THE BARKER BAND SHOP Barker Band Chimp. At last you can enjoy a real live banjo-playing chimpanzee in the comfort of your own home. Will sing and play up to 3 Barker Band songs per banana*. Available in clawhammer or 3 finger picking style. £POA.           *** Barker Band Sand. Yes, you can be the owner of  this  limited edition  “Barker Band Bag O’Sand” personally autographed by the band. Each bag contains nearly half a pound of the finest sand manufactured  by the ancient method of wearing down big stones into tiny ones by rubbing them together over millions of years. Feel at one with the environment by owning this tribute to nature’s miracle - erosion. Only £4,999. 32p. (Limited to one bag per customer) *** Barker Band Salt Beef Sandwich, (Temporarily Sold Out) *** Barker Band Cat Fireworks. Is your moggie bored and  listless? Does he do nothing but sleep all day? He's probably lacking visual and aural stimulus. Well don't despair. Our highly trained squad of crack vetinarian and gunpowder specialists have been hard at work developing the world's first range of kitty-orientated fireworks. Now you can give your cat a show he'll never forget. See the smile come back to his little face as he watches in awe and wonder at the spectacular display you will be able to mount for him  Full set of fireworks including extra-strong reinforced viewing cage - £110. (not suitable for dogs) *** Barker Band Nuclear Reactor  Fed up with soaring electricity bills? Why not invest in your very own BB Nuclear Reactor.** It's safe, clean and cheap to run plus any spare capacity can be fed back into the national grid. Only £28 each. (Please note: A small decommissioning and clean-up charge of  £750 billion will also apply) *** Barker Band Daddy Long Legs. Available for a limited season in September only, these magnificent insects are speciallly hand-reared at our Daddy Long Legs farm in Dorset. They have all the ineptitude and uselessness of a conventional Daddy Long Legs and are guaranteed to make you  the envy of your friends and neighbours. Only £5 for a box of 3. (Daddy Long Legs food, toys and tasty treats also available. E-mail for details) *** Barker Band Children's Petrol. We all worry about our children playing with petrol don't we? Well those worrying days are over. Our team of crack scientists have come up with a completely non-flammable gasoline - safe for even the barmiest of kids. They can now completely douse any piece of furniture in the house in our specially formulated non-toxic petrol and no amount of stolen matches will ever light it. At only £5.99 a gallon it makes a great  gift for that "special" child. *** Barker Band Magic Wand  Do you lie awake at night worrying about bills, relationships, international strife? Well we have the solution. The Barker Band Magic Wand. Designed by Europe's top wizards, each wand is hand crafted by goblins in North Wales and contains enough fairy dust to solve an average of 50 problems. (Refill cartridges available) Turn that annoying neighbour into a frog or make tube trains appear as you step on to the platform - It's up to you. Only £23.99 inc vat of bat's eyes. (Not to be used for evil.) *** Barker Band Daily Mail Templates. Heard something blood-boilingly outrageous about Europe or the Health & Safety Nazis? Well now you can write to the Daily Mail about it instantly. Simply fill in the "Fact" that you heard or read about and where it originated (Pub, Hairdressers, Daily Express, The Sun) and our instant template does the harumphing for you. Naturally, each letter finishes with the evocative phrase "This is political correctness gone mad". Free- Download here *** All products come with a one year no-quibble warranty. This does not affect your statuatory quibbling rights as outlined in the 1984 Quibbling Act (sub-section 2).   *banjo and bananas not included **Uranium not included All items subect to availabilty